Autism, Our lives and Autism

Sometimes it’s all just too much…….

Today was Lachlan’s big review meeting and I fell apart in the middle of it!

I was sitting there and it was such a positive meeting everyone was saying how well Lachlan is doing and how far he has come in the last year both of which are true, then I just went to bits………

I wanted to scream at everyone “is this as good as it gets?”

Somedays I feel trapped in a living hell!

Lachlan swings from my curtains like a professionally trained trapeze artist, does headstands on top of furniture, he thinks the dogs bowl is;  in his woods “a paddling pool”, climbs constantly, has opened the oven door, shouts splash at the pot of boiling potatoes cooking on the hob, has chewed through several power cables and flushed goodness knows all what down the loo!! (toilet)

Take your eye of the ball for a nano second and I guarantee Lachlan will no longer be engaged in the activity you left him at. His current favourite is the dogs bowl!

The door goes, the phone rings, you need the loo, on return all hell has broken loose!

I always make sure Lachlan is never in any danger, we are all very aware, but it is exhausting, I don’t even switch off in my sleep, the other night my older son got up to use the loo, I heard water and flew out of bed panicking Lachlan was puddling in the bathroom, this is at 4.00am! Lachlan was of course sound asleep at the foot of our bed oblivious to the fuss. Poor Hamish got the fright of his life!

I need a break, I am done in, I guess I need to fall apart, I have been strong too long, I need to let it all out……

I am so angry with myself…..

I should have seen it coming, I have been listening to Guns and Roses November Rain,  Let it be by the Beatles and lots of P!nk up loud in the last few weeks, my music therapy you could say, a warning that I am struggling though.

The worst bit is I fear I have hurt a few of the wonderful allies who fear they have upset me.

It is so hard to explain the roller coaster I am trapped on, I truly celebrate every little step Lachlan takes with heartfelt joy, I tell anyone who will listen how amazing my boy is but then the frustration grows in me it builds and knawes away, little things that fill me with joy will then break my heart all in one go,

The day I taught my little nephew to ride his bike without stabilizers, I was so proud in that moment I couldn’t have been prouder of that wee lad, but then it hit me, I might never teach Lachlan to ride a bike….

The conversations I have with my nephews when they want to tell aunty Vicki something, I am delighted they want to tell me, then later on I wonder will Lachlan ever tell me about his day in the same way?

It hurts. No matter how had I try to not let it, It really does hurt.

It is the constant immense pressure I feel under to keep pushing Lachlan on, all if Lachlan is doing so well and is happy can’t we just stand still for a little while?

Enjoy the moment?

 

Just breathe.

Lachlan is just a little boy, my little boy.

 

Today it all just got too much, my guard slipped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Autism

The Road To Mainstream Nursery Part Two

After the introduction of the weighted vest, life for Lachlan slowly improved, we were to learn that we had to overcome the sensory issues before we could move forward.

As a parent I was to initially fight and question the need for sensory chews and deep pressure massage, perhaps I was still in denial, I just didn’t want my wee man to stand out from the crowd.

Our home visiting teacher gently pushed the issue of chewies, she was right Lachlan needs to chew, the first silicone pendant chewies I bought were destroyed in hours, our OT produced some awful looking ones which were like coiled phone cable in vivid colours, I hated them even more than the silicone pendant ones, but they worked and seem to last, I hated the look though, especially as Lachlan likes to chew on one side with chewie just hanging there.

I hated going out and about and folks staring, I felt we were often stared at because Lachlan looks too big for his buggy, the chewies in my mind only made this worse.  In time I realised though that it is other folks who have the problem, I accepted that if it helped Lachlan live in our world and eased his suffering then so be it, I could live with chewies.

After Easter Lachlan had 1:1 support at playgroup so I no longer had to stay, this was great on one front as I got a break but not so great as I had no idea what Lachlan had been up to and if he was happy, Lachlan was not to happy at me leaving initially either and it hurt to leave him crying, even knowing that staff would phone if he didn’t settle after 5 minutes. We continued our battle for 1:1 funding for initially three sessions from the August, I felt a bit disappointed that was all we were likely to get as Lachlan would be three therefore entitled to a funded place which meant 5 afternoons in theory but without 1:1 that couldn’t happen.

Lachlan started three afternoons a week in August and quickly settled and was happy to be left, so much so that come October he upped his sessions to four afternoons and then after Christmas the full five.  The funding was finally resolved in November something that I am still annoyed about, no parent should be left wondering if her child can go to nursery the following week as the initial funding had ran out.

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